Alan Carr: I am what I am, d’ya know what I mean?

He’s always been unashamedly gay and camp, but the camp part he admits came as a bit of a shock. For many years he didn’t realise he was.

His TV guests are the calibre of Gaga and Bieber but he takes them all in his stride and is surprisingly frank in discussing fame and its responsibilities. And his own worldview. “I just think gay people need to get over themselves. Just because you're gay and on the telly doesn't mean you're a role model. I'm just a comedian. That's all I am. What am I meant to do? I don't talk about being gay and I think what better equality for gays than that?"

But in this interview he does talk about being gay.

He’s back in Australia in August and September, playing Canberra, Brisbane, Adelaide, Perth, Melbourne and Sydney. It’ll be his second visit to Sydney and he will play at the Opera House – and therein lies a lovely story.

But first we talked about baring yourself in public.

To be a good comic you often have to wear your heart on your sleeve. To be a good gay comic you often have to wear your gay on your sleeve. Both of those are difficult to do because they make you vulnerable. How do you cope with that?

It's odd, it's odd. That's a really good question and it's weird because with gay comedians in England we're very well accepted but the subject matter isn’t necessarily gay. I don't actually do gay jokes, I just talk about things from a neutral point of view. I try not to be too gay-heavy because I know it will alienate some of the audience.

If you’re an Australian comedian or an Irish comedian you can talk your whole set about being Australian or Irish but if you talk about being gay for an hour you’ll get told “Change the record! It's boring! We don't want that stuffed down our throat!”

You tone it down, you don’t go into the ins and outs. But gay or straight, funny's funny. Comedy has no sexuality. Either you find it funny or you don't, d’ya see what I mean?

Sure, comedy doesn't have sexuality – but it does have reference points. 

Yes, it does. True. And if I came on as camp as me, “Hellohhhh airvryone!”, and didn't admit I was a bit gay it’d be really weird wouldn't it! People wouldn't get their money's worth [laughs].

Have you ever said to yourself: “OK, Alan, time to tone down the camp!” No, ’cos I can't! It's like telling the tide to go back! I can't. I mean I didn’t know I was camp until I filmed something and had a look at it and I watched it back and I was like “Who's this person?! Oh, my God!” I had my hands on my hip, my voice was squawky, my wrists looked like so limp, it was like I had a couple of uncooked sausages at the ends of my arms! It was like Oh my God, so this is why people have been shouting at me in the street!

I didn’t know I was like that. It came as a big surprise. So I can't really tone it down. I know a lot of militant gays and lesbians don't like camp but I am what I am, d’ya know what I mean?

You've got to be inclusive. I mean I'd love to be a soldier, I'd love to be one of those beefy rugby players with deep voices but, you know, I’m not! What can I do! You just have to make the best of a bad situation [laughs].

All gay guys have got landmark moments that define them in some way. When did you become funny? And when did you become gay? Well I've always been gay, right from the outset. There's a show called Jim'll Fix It [1975-94] in England where people all over Great Britain used to write to Jimmy Saville, who we now know as a pervert but back then we were innocent, and I remember writing to him to meet Wonder Woman! I mean, this is before I even knew what gay or camp was!

I remember stayin' up with my mum to watch What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? [1962]. I remember thinking I love this woman. This film is fantastic. A woman in a wheelchair locked upstairs by her sister who's covered in makeup!

It's only when you get to 13 or 14 and you hear the man on the telly go "Now we're gonna watch that camp classic Baby Jane" and I thought “Oh shit, I'm camp!” No one tells you! It’s not like you have a guide book or something.

I was drawn to it. It's like watching Madonna or Kylie, you don't get told that growing up. And then all of a sudden you're like “Oh, my gawd” and of course I kicked myself. You know I'd love to like Metallica or have a war film as my favourite film – I can't even think of one as an example! – you know, you're sort of programmed that way and frankly I don't think you should fight it to try to please people. It's what I am.

People said I was the class clown but I really wasn’t – I was just standing there trying to fend for myself. You sort of get sharper and you learn to do yourself down before anyone else can get in.

So it definitely wasn't one of these moments where I thought I'm gonna be a standup – no, I was learning to defend myself in class and be a step ahead of them. The thought of standup actually would’ve terrified me and in some ways it still does, you know.

I know from producing talkshow TV here in Sydney that the stories behind the scenes are often even more entertaining than the ones on camera. Right!

How hard is it to get entertaining, much less deep-and-meaningful, from your guests? For example, how did you go with Justin Bieber? Well he was . . . that was a weird one, that one, because he'd had SO much bad press and controversy and the celebrity booker says “Alan, we've got Justin Bieber!” All I thought was “God, here we go,” d'ya know what I mean?

Now I wanted to beat the world record for runnin' in stilettos so we told Justin Bieber's people who were like DO NOT APPROACH HIM WITH STILETTOS HE WILL NOT WEAR STILETTOS IF YOU DO IF YOU APPROACH HIM OR EVEN MENTION IT HE WILL WALK OFF so I went “All right, all right, keep your hair on.”

So I ran around the studio in red high heels on camera and Justin says to me “Hey, give them to me! I wanna beat your record!” And he ran round on these high heels, the crowd went mental, everyone was laughing, includin' him, and I thought, you know, what a good sport!

It's one of those things where you're thinking great name, great booking, one of the biggest stars in the world and look at him go! You know, with celebrities half the time it's the people around them that hold them back. I'll never understand it.

We have guests on – they're havin' a tough time, there's a sex tape, bad plastic surgery, a drink problem. They sit there pretendin' it's all right, the audience are giggling ’cos everyone's seen the sex tape. I don't know what the trouble is in not just coming out and saying look, I've had bad surgery, I was drunk and there was a prostitute, I had a sex tape.

I know, they know, the audience know. I don't get why all this cover-up, d'ya know what I mean? Just address it, 'ave a sense of humour, 'ave a laugh, move on. The longer it lingers, it hangs in the air like a bad fart! Just say it! Everyone knows! It's like when we had Lindsay Lohan on. I said “Lindsay, would you like a drink?” “Oh, no, just water. I only drink water.” The next day everyone saw her coming out with a closet-full with a bloomin' coat over it! I mean, you know, everyone's laughing. “Oh, no, I only drink water.” 'Ave a bloody wine, shut up and just get on with it.

Some guests are always gonna be intimidating, regardless of how much prep you do. Like Gaga. What can you do with her that she hasn't done before? Yeah, I know. She's an absolute lovely person. I remember there's a show called The Chase, run by Bradley Walsh, very popular over here, and he does a lot for charity, and he knocked on my door and he said “Oh, Alan would Gaga sign this CD of hers so I can auction it for a children's charity?” I said “Well I don't know what Gaga's like.” We both went up to her dressing-room and knocked, like trick-or-treaters, and she answers the door and he asked her and she said “Of course, honey.” Did it straight away. No going through a load of people, no putting it off, how dare you knock on my door. I thought “I like you for that.”

She's so approachable. I took all me clothes off and she painted me nude on the show when she was promoting ArtPop. She's a right love doing that and she always sings a couple of songs. She's one of those guests that are just nice to have, gives 100 per cent, really funny answers. And she did paint me nude, that's a big ask of anybody, d'ya know what I mean? She could have been sick but she politely did it.

What happens when you're in the middle of a seg, it's not going right, you gotta throw out the plan . . . Ya’ know what celebrities are like. They kick off backstage and say they won’t do stuff and then of course once they're in front of an audience they're smiles and grins. At the end of the day it's just to flog albums and films isn't it? You ask 'em and they say “Yeah, I’ll never do that” and with a little persuasion and a receptive audience very quickly they’re doin’ just what you wanted and acting like it was their idea! That's celebrity for you, isn’t it!

Tell me, who’s your worst guest? Worst? I feel bad sayin' it but we had some people from the Twilight lot and they were all just sour-faced and I know they'd had a whole day of junket and stuff but they were really just wooden and flat little stars, d'ya know what I mean? The thing is I felt really bad because I hate Twilight. I'm not a 12-year-old girl, I don’t give a shit about werewolves or vampires. So I left the screening before the end and then I said to one of them “Ooh d'ya reckon you'll be back in the sequel?” And he went “Well that'd be quite hard because I died this time.” And I went “Oh yeah, of course.” So I mean we didn't really get on from that point on. I said to the people I'd seen the film. Well I had, I just missed the bulk of it. Who gives a shit? It's not real. 

Ya gotta remember when it comes to guests the ones who've been around for ages, they just turn it on, they're just great. There's a reason why they're a star, like when Bette Midler or Justin Timberlake come on, you know, they turn it on, they're like a light bulb and that's why they're so popular and that's why they're multimillionaires, they're just great. They know what it takes. Coming on a chatshow and being miserable, that's ridiculous, it's silly, you’re in the wrong job if you can't smile for a half-hour.

The Opera House is a pretty iconic location. Is this your first visit here? No, it's my second. I was one of those Aussie backpackers and I stayed in Darlinghurst in Sydney in a two-roomed house with two lesbians and four Irishmen and I worked on Oxford Street in a cafe cleaning the dishes. Cafe 191, round the corner from Arq nightclub. I remember coming out of there and seeing a drag queen beating a policeman over the head with a baguette and I thought “God, I love this city!” [laughs] That was 1999. I was there for New Year's Eve – which are always such a disappointment aren’t they. But I went to Rose Bay, watched all the fireworks. This lovely Australian family started sharin’ all their food with me and their champagne and me and my friend had the best time. And Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman were out on a yacht like 10 or 15 metres out in the harbour. Of course I told everyone I spent New Year's Eve with Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman which was technically true. There was just a little bit of water in between us.

And a few thousand other Australians. Oh, don't spoil it.

You know, I worked in that cafe and I was trying to save money to go see a Bergerac show playin' at the Opera House and I could never afford to go see it. I'd save up and finish work at the cafe and I'd go “Sod it, I'm goin' to Arq.” And I never was able to save up enough. So to actually perform there is a proper goosebumps moment for me and I just can't wait. Let's hope it’s not empty.

Alan Carr: Yap, Yap, Yap! is playing at Canberra, Brisbane, Adelaide, Perth, Melbourne and Sydney. Tickets here.

Alan Carr’s website.

Read more celebrity interviews by Ian here.